


The Quiet Night

by crowscraw



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily, Comedy, Other, this is honestly just for laughs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 14:53:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20472869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crowscraw/pseuds/crowscraw
Summary: After catching the rogue known as Edward Nygma, Batman orders Nightwing to bring him to the GCPD where he can be transferred to Arkham. What he didn't account for was how Nygma believes he can escape any trap, and by god, if he can escape Arkham, he can escape handcuffs too.





	The Quiet Night

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on a scene from Reno 911, but with our regular ol' Batfam added into it

It was supposed to be a quiet night.

Batman and Nightwing, otherwise known as Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson, had just fought and caught one of Gotham’s many criminals. The Riddler, or Edward Nygma, had put up a brave fight at an abandoned warehouse before Dick knocked him cold with a fist to the nose. 

While Nygma was knocked out, the henchmen fled, leaving them only with their boss. When he had offered to take the rogue in, Nightwing had insisted otherwise. Dick had promised Bruce that he would deliver the rogue safely to the GCPD without any trouble. ‘Scout’s honor’, he had said.

But he just got an urgent call from Duke, known to the public as The Signal, about some ‘commotion’ happening at the GCPD. 

It could mean one of two things. Either Dick had unsuccessfully delivered Nygma to the GCPD, and they were having a full blown fight in the streets, or Dick had delivered Nygma, and the fighting was happening on the inside.

Either way, it wasn’t good.

It also didn’t help that neither Damian, the current Robin, or Jason, the rogue Red hood, would answer his calls. In the short message that Duke left him, he explained that almost everyone in the Batfamily was there, excluding those on patrols on the other side of the city. Nygma must be up to big trouble if everyone and the GCPD officers were there. 

Finally, the Batmobile turned and entered the parking lot. Bruce jumped out, ready for trouble, but everything seemed peaceful. There wasn’t a gunshot ringing out in the air, or the sound of a bomb going off. All he could hear was the birds lightly chirping. 

But on the inside of the building, he saw cluster of moving bodies. It looked like a huge mass of officers were in there, and as he neared the door, it sounded like they were shouting too. Frowning, he pushed the see-through door open.

“What the-”

All of the officers, and some of the Batkids, had formed a circle around the middle of the room. Some of them sat on desks and drawers while the others stood. They were all shouting and chanting, as if watching a very intense sport game.

“Signal, what is happening?” He walked up to Duke, feeling more confused then he’d like to admit.

“Look in the middle of the pit!” Duke said helpfully, before leaning and shouting, “Do you really think that’s going to work? Hit it harder!”

In the middle of the circle of officers sat no one other than Edward Nygma, who currently had a metal box between his legs and was furiously beating the chain of the handcuffs against the corner. Various cries of “You can do it!” and “I bet you twenty bucks he makes it through those things” rang out.

“How long has this been happening?” Bruce asked bluntly. This had to be against protocol.

“Around the time Nightwing brought him in!” Jason replied, sliding into the conversation. “He’s been going at it for a while. He started out hitting the chain between that desk,” He pointed to a slightly indented wooden desk frame, “And then he moved on to the chairs over there,” The chairs in question had some broken legs, “And now he’s using that hunk of metal.” He finished.

“There’s not a pair of handcuffs in the world that can hold me!” Edward crowed, kicking the metal box aside.

“Try this! Try this!” A guard said as he handed Nygma a filing cabinet.

“Good idea!” He said, and started to hit the cabinet with as much force as he could muster. The whole scene could be compared to a monkey hitting a coconut on a rock while the other apes watched in fascination. The crowd roared.

“If you break through those things I won’t kick your ass as hard next time we fight!” Damian shouted from the other side of the room. The cops around him hooted in agreement.

“You ain’t shit, Nygma!” Jason called, “You ain’t gonna get out of those!”

“Where’s Dick?” Batman scowled. All this hell must’ve been raised by him. Who else could’ve started this? “I need to talk to him.”

“Dunno,” Duke shrugged, “But Joker’s over there, if you wanted to know where he was.”

Joker sat on a desk in front of Edward with a smirk upon his face. “Eddie, is that all you got?” He exclaimed, “Come on! Show that cabinet who’s boss! Pretend it’s Batman!”

“I’d rather he didn’t do that,” Bruce said sourly, walking over to him, “What are you doing here anyways?”

“I was getting arrested, Batsy!” Joker purred, “But then Eddie decided to make a show for us all- hey, Eddie, look at me.” Nygma stopped his furious beating to look up at him. Joker held his wrist apart and brought them down so that one of his wrists was lower than the other. “You’ve got to hit it like this. Go on, try it!”

The Riddler resumed, taking Joker’s advice, and the crowd roared again.

“Have you seen Nightwing?” Batman asked, “I’m trying to find him.”

“Lost your little bird friend, eh?” Joker mused. He waved a hand, “I saw him disappear into the evidence room a few moments ago.” He turned back to the action with a grin on his face, “Bash it in, Eddie! Do it! DO IT!”

Everyone began to pick up the Joker's chant of “Do it! Do it!” until it seemed like the entire GCPD just had one singular voice. Even Edward had begun chanting it, kicking the cabinet aside and raising his hands.

The evidence room door opened, and Nightwing appeared, holding a torn wing fragment from a stunt plane that crashed into the Gotham harbor. He held the sharp piece of metal above his head, showing it off like it was some trophy. The crowd screamed harder than ever before. 

He dropped it in the middle of the pit and stepped away, bowing to Edward has he went back into the crowd. Edward looked smugly around, clearly enjoying the attention, then began to hit the chain against the metal. Bruce wasn’t sure he could take much more of this as the officers cheered and hooted and hollered.

“Nightwing,” He hissed, calling his son over to him. Dick jumped over a desk and stood in front of him, his hands on his hips. “What’s up, pops?” 

“What is the meaning of this?”

“Relax!” Dick said, putting his hands outward, “Can’t the GCPD have a bit of fun once in a while? Usually everyone here is so gloomy.” He grinned sheepishly. “You can’t blame them for letting loose once in a while.”

Batman rubbed his temples. He was so, so tired. He didn’t even want to get into how officers, when on duty, weren’t supposed to ‘let loose’, or do anything similar. “How did this start?”

“Well,” Dick paused, clearly thinking hard, as if this was something that happened months ago. “I brought him in and he seemed really sour. I decided to go hit the loo because hey, I work for hours on end, it’s not like I have many chances to pee,” He crossed his arms, “And then I come back and a few cops are surrounding him while he hit his cuffs against the desk.” He sighed dreamily, “And the rest is history.”

“Come on! Is that all you got?” Damian shouted. “Do it, you sack of shit, I dare you-”

And as he said those magic words, the cuffs broke and fell to the floor.

The sound in the room was deafening.

Officers cheered and threw office supplies, money, paper, anything they could get a hold of into the air. Duke and Jason were now singing a victory song, and Damian was screaming in excitement. Edward seemed to be the most excited, though, as he was cheering and jumping around as people gave him pats on the back. 

Bruce walked over to the middle of the pit, standing there was chaos ensued around him. Edward had his back turned to him, and he was shaking the hands of cops who now won bets. Bruce slowly took out his taser, and after looking around a few times, stuck it straight into Edward’s back.

The room went silent as Edward collapsed on the floor. They all stared at him, then slowly their gazes moved to Batman. Everything seemed like a mess, and they all looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Can someone cuff him back up?” He said, looking around the room. “And get back to work.”

As the speed of a reluctant snail, everyone started to shuffle around and get back to their desks and offices. Someone cuffed Edward and dragged him off, supposedly to be transferred to Arkham. Joker willingly followed him, shouting things like “Good sport, Ed!” and “That was electrifying!” 

Bruce stood still until the only people that remained were his children. 

“I’m sure you all know how I feel about tonight’s...incident.” He said.

Duke, Jason, Dick, and Damian all looked up at him with innocent eyes. “It was kinda funny, wasn’t it?” Jason said, while the rest nodded.

Bruce allowed himself to smile, which was a rare treat. “It was hilarious, but don’t do it again unless you want to find yourself grounded for a month.” His frown returned. “We don’t want this to become a regular occurrence. If you even think about attempting something similar, I’ll gently remind you all that Alfred could use some help with the garden work. It’s been terribly hot lately.”

“Yes, Boss!” They chorused. 

He nodded. “Off you go, then.”

The Batkids scampered off into the night, leaving Batman standing alone in the middle of the GCPD. He let his frown lessen slightly before leaning over to an officer. “They got that on the security footage, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Send me a copy. I’d love to see that again.”

“Yes, sir!”


End file.
